Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
