Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
