i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
