come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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