all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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