He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
