if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
