I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
