he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
