she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
