You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
