We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
