Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
