took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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