It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
