what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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