every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
