i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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