Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
