Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
