Jerry, you need to find god
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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