I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
