you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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