Moan for me like Helen Keller
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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