Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
