I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
