she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize