I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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