i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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