I wish I could teleport
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
