Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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