I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
