I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
