plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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