Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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