is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
