I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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