I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
