I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
