yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When did we convert life to cartoon?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
