Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
