I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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