I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
