Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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