I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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