dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
