Three words: puerto rican gang bang
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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