Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
