I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize