i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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