i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
