Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
