I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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