I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
