When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
