I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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