I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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