I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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