whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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